Not really a Captain
by Carizo
Summary: a AU story about James Kirk as a teenager. Not in the star trek universe, only the characters. Kirk/Spock slash.


Have you ever felt that you're not the one you are suppose to be? Not the one you're meant to be?

I guess everybody has that feeling, at least when you were a teenager. But I have had that feeling as long as I can remember. And I know that it's all because of the dream.

I can't remember when I didn't have the dream or when it started, but I know it got more and more clearer the older I got. Now I have it a couple of nights every week and I can hear the voices, feel the touches and I know that I am liked, respected and I know that I am a good person. Then I wake up and realize that it was just a dream and I remember that nobody really liked me and that I am a long way from being good.

"Hey looser, move!" I hear her voice in front of me and I refuse to look up. I don't want to see, I don't want to know what poor kid she is yelling at now.

I hear someone backing in to the wall, stumbling and dropping his books on the floor in front of me. I also see a pair of glasses fall down and I know who it is. The hard ball in my stomach grow even more and I fall down on my knees before I can stop myself. I pick up the glasses and his books and try to give it back to him. He stares at me with his dark eyes, wondering what I am doing and why I am helping him. He waits for me to do something mean and don't even try to reach for his things.

"Please" I beg him. Please don't hate me, please don't look at me with those black eyes that is so full of disgust. I am not this person, cant you see that? But he can't see, nobody can. He finally takes his books, put on the glasses and hurry off. I know that I am now in big trouble, I did something wrong and will be punished for it. I walk on and try to ignore her. I hear her high pitched voice that always make me cringe.

"What the FUCK was that!!!???"

I reach my classroom and walk in without looking at her. I sit down at my place and buried my face in my hands. I hope her punishment will be to ignore me again. When she ignores me I almost feel normal, I feel that I maybe can be that person from my dream. But then again, when she ignores me I know that the whole school really hates me. Even though she is a horrible person, she and the others in the gang are the only ones in this school that even talks to me. I hear someone throwing his books on the table and slid down on the chair next to me.

"What the fuck dude?"

I tried to ignore his question, pulling my hands from my face.

"Do you looove him"

taunting voice, mean laugh.

"it's nothing" I said, happy to see the teacher come in so my "friend" would stop laughing at me.

Did I really want this? Be laughed at, be ridiculed. I hadn't pictured this when I thought about what it would be like to have friends. I had thought that it would be like in my Dream. Where we laughed with each other, not at. Where we could talk about everything and where I always could trust in my friends to have my back. Stupid dream.

This hell had started about 1,5 years ago. I had spend my life as an army brat, moving for one place to another, never staying more than a year in one place and never been able to get any friends. My parents decided that it would be best for me to stay in one location under my high school years so they put me in a boarding school. I was exited. Finally I could try to get real friends and maybe even a girlfriend. In my Dream I'm a real ladies man, I have a smile that can entice any girl and I had done my best to practice on that smile in real life. I showed it to my mom and she had laughed and said it was a bedroom smile, a come-hither smile.

In my first day at the new school I saw a really beautiful girl. She had long wavy, brown hair and big green eyes. I had decided that I would try my charm on her and it worked great, it worked too good because that beautiful girl was now my girlfriend and the queen bee or, Queen bitch that I call her, off the school. She is a horrible person, manipulative and mean to everybody including myself. The only reason I am still together with her is because I am to week to break free. I wanted friends and I wanted a girlfriend and now I had it.

I got lost in my fantasy where I was a Captain on a starship. Sometimes I wounder where it come from, why did I start dreaming when I was just a child that I was a middle aged captain on a starship? Of course I have always loved sci-fi, but I can't remember where this originated from. The starships in Star wars never looked like the ship in my dream, but I have had this dream so long that I don't really care anymore.

I was sitting in my captains chair looking out on the stars. To the right I can see the dark eyes of the boy in the hall. What a chock it had been to see him in real life for the first time. Most people in my dream was hazy, I couldn't see how they looked like, except for two people. One was a man who always was behind my chair, older then me even in the dream, but we seemed to be very close. He always worried about me. The other one was a tall man with black hair in a very short, stupid looking hairdo. He seemed to be a alien of some sort because he had pointy ears and strange slanted eyebrows. He never showed any emotions but I knew that he liked me and we were close friends. I didn't know his name, just like I didn't know the others name, but after I saw him in real life the name became clear even in my dream.

Daniel Spock, though in my dream I only called him Mr Spock, so I'm not sure his name is actually Daniel in there. I was so chocked when I saw him a week or so after I started school. I had already hooked up with Theresa by then but she had not showed me her mean side yet. I saw a black haired, skinny boy with dark eyes and I could not move. I knew who he was even though he was 20 or so years younger than the version in my dream. How could he exist? How could I have dreamed about him in so many years before I even seen him? He did not have the ears or the eyebrows but it was the same face, same sharp facial structure and the same unemotional mouth.  
A mouth that actually looked really delicious and I started to think how it would be too kiss him. That chocked me for a second time, In my dream I had never showed any sexually interest in the other man so I didn't understand where this came from. I wasn't gay, though I felt a bit unsure about that fact at that moment.

Now 1,5 years later Spock hated me and I dreamed about him almost every night. The starship dreams where still the same, we where friends and he was my closest man in command. No sex and no kissing. But I had other dreams that was not so chaste. In those dreams it wasn't the alien man but the boy that I knew from school. He was laying on his back in my bed and I was pressed against him, touching his face, his lips, leaning forward to taste his mouth and yes I am sure now that I'm definitely wasn't straight.

I heard the bell that indicated that the school day was over. I hurried out, ignoring anyone that wanted to talk to me and went to my dorm room. As soon as I touched the door handle I heard a boy's voice from inside the room. "Fuck, its James"

I let go of the handle and stood outside the room for a while. Did not want to go in and see anything they sure didn't want me to see. The door flung open and a young boy looked scared up at me. I moved away so he could go by, I tried to smile, but he did not see it. I went in and felt Hikaru Sulus hateful stare from his side on the room.

Hikaru was also in my dream, though he was one of those that I could not really see before. After I saw him for the first time, when we got to share the same room, I started to dream about him. He was the pilot of my starship and he had a great smile. I said something like "Warp One, Mr Sulu" and he would turn around with a smile saying "Aye, captain". In real world Hikaru would never smile at me. His boyfriend, the Freshman Pavel Chekov, was also in my dream. He was the navigator always sitting next to Hikaru. The strange thing was that they weren't together in my dream. Chekov seemed to have a different girl every time I dreamed about him and Hikaru never showed any homosexual tendencies. I did not understand why I would dream about them like that, I had nothing against their relationship and I was really happy for Hikaru, even though he hated my guts. Something that was also strange in my dream was that I never dreamed about my girlfriend or my friends. They had never had a role in my starship dream, they did not exist in that realm and I was happy about that. But it was always so sad to wake up from a wonderful dream realizing that the people in it weren't my friends and would never be it. Why did I do this to myself?

Sometime I thought that I was meant to be friends with them, but I did something wrong when I flirted with Theresa, and therefor ruined everything.

I laid down on my bed staring up in the roof. I wished that I could talk to Hikaru, I wished that I could ask him about his life and his love for Chekov. Pavel, not Chekov. I had a bad habit of always calling people by their last name instead of their first. That came from the dream also, I always said Mr Sulu and Mr Chekov and that would just sound stupid outside the dream since they were the same age as me. Pavel and Hikaru was so cute together, one Russian and one Asian and Pavel was so funny. He always said that everything came from Russia, like that the garden of eden was located close to Leningrad. I had heard those jokes when they did not know I was close. They would never act natural when I was there. Pavel was scared of me and Hikaru, well, he was disgusted of my very sight.

I picked up my ipod from the nightstand and increased the volume as high as I could stand.

Behind blue Eyes with limp bizkit, what a perfect song for my mood.

_No one knows what it's like_

_To be the bad man_

_To be the sad man_

_Behind blue eyes_

_And no one knows_

_What it's like to be hated_

_To be fated to telling only lies_

When I closed my eyes I could see the smile of friends. It wasn't the starship dream, no it was the faces from the dream the way they looked outside off it. We were in the school cafeteria and Spock sat next to me. He pushed up his glasses on the nose and when he lay down his hand he laid it on top of my hand. Long finger curled around mine and his dark eyes showed love. Hikaru and Pavel was sitting on the other side of the table. They were laughing, most likely at a story that Pavel just had told us. Something about a little old lady from Leningrad.

I wanted to cry because the pain in my stomach just got worse. Why couldn't we be friends? Of course I knew why, it was because they thought I was a homophobic asshole like the rest of the gang. I didn't even know how they could know that Spock was gay, he had never been seen with anyone, not girl or boy, but for some reason they knew it. They taunted him for it and I was the worse of them all because I did nothing. I didn't stop it and I never said anything against them. In my dream I was a strong man, I stood up for who I was and I was proud. Outside the dream I was nothing.

I felt that I couldn't stay in the room any longer. My so called friends had apparently started to ignore me again because I got no phone calls and no text messages. I left my bed and looked over at Hikarus side of the room. I saw him sitting in front of the computer. For a second I thought about asking if he wanted to do something but I knew that he would never do anything with me. That he considered me to be a enemy, not a potential friend. I saw my face in the mirror when I went past it but I did not want to see it. Didn't want to see the messy light brown hair or the brown eyes that never showed happiness anymore. Theresa always said I looked good but I could not see it the only thing I saw was a fake. It wasn't me. I left my room, left the house and I left the school ground. I walked without a goal, without caring where I went or what would happen to me.

I finally stopped in front of a bar. I was only 17 years old so I knew that would not be able to buy any alcohol but I went in anyway. I sat down an a bar stool and ordered a coke. The man beside me grunted at me "You look down, kid"

I turned my face and almost chocked on my coke. It was him, the other one. The friend that always stood behind my captains chair and who, for some reason, always were fighting with Spock. He was, like everybody else, younger. Maybe a little over 20, but he had the same piercing blue eyes and brown hair, and he looked just as brooding as he always did in my dream. Not mean, but cranky. "What is it boy, don't look at me like that"

"Oh, god, sorry sir" I blushed in shame. I didn't want to scare him off now that I had found him. He laughed and smiled a very wide smile that changed his whole face. "The name is not sir, boy, it is Leonard McCoy but you can call me Bones"  
He winked at me and ordered a new drink. "James Kirk" I told him and we shook hands.  
"So Jim, are you going to tell me what has happen to you?" No one ever calls me Jim so it startled me, mostly because I had heard him call me that several times in my dream. Nothing made any sense, but I felt that this was the one that I could talk to. So I did.

I told him all about my love for Spock. Bones thought that name was hilarious and laughed quite a bit for that. I then told him about my girlfriend and those that called themselves my friends. He did not like that all and he had a displeased look in his face.  
"Why do you do this to yourself, kid?"

I shrugged my shoulders and look down at my coke. We were silent a couple of minutes, listening to the beat of the the disco music from the dance floor. Bones drank a lot, but did not seem to be very drunk. He did seem to be more bothered about what I had told him.  
"I'm not a psychiatrist, but you really have to turn your life around before it is to late"  
"What if it is already to late?" I sighed  
"Don't be stupid, you're just a kid"

We started to talk about other things, things that did not pain so much. After a while I tried to make him order some alcohol for me but he said no way. I whined for it and suddenly he raised his voice and said "I am a doctor, not a bartender" which made me laugh so hard I almost fell of the chair. I recognized the line from my dream but I just didn't care anymore. I was starting to think that the dream had nothing to do with a starship. Maybe I had some psychic talents that made me dream of the ones that suppose to be in my life or maybe it was just a normal dream and I somehow unconsciously changed the dream when I wasn't sleeping to include the people I cared about. I managed to ask him if he really was a doctor and he said not yet, he was in med-school. Before we left the bar to go our separate ways, we changed contact info. Bones told me that I could call or email him anytime, because he really enjoyed talking to me.

It made me happy.

That night I was back at the starship. Bones and Spock was bickering about emotions and the need off showing it. A pretty blond yeoman came to my chair with something that apparently needed to be signed, she had a short red uniform that did not leave much to the imagination. I even managed to wounder In my dream why I dreamed about girls when the one I loved was there, but in the starship dream I wasn't in love with Spock, we were just friends. Sulu and Chekov was talking about something and they looked happy, Sulu laughed and shook his head at Chekov, but I couldn't hear what they were talking about.

I leaned back in my chair, Bones behind me and Spock at my right side and I felt good. I felt at peace with myself and my life. I was the captain on a Starship and I was exactly where I wanted to be.

Then suddenly I wasn't Captain Kirk anymore and I wasn't on the ship. I was laying alone in my bed and someone was standing beside it. That someone had black messy hair and dark passionate eyes behind a couple of glasses. He was wearing a black long sleeved t-shirt and black slacks, the same clothes I often had seen him in. Spock looked down at me and I felt the need of his touch rising. I sat up and noticed that I was only wearing a couple of black boxers. I reached for him and laid my hand on his chest. I could feel his muscles underneath it and I slowly ran my hand down to his stomach. He put one knee down on the bed and then he straddled my hips. Spock leaned forward against my face and pressed his lips against mine. I flung my arms around his neck, pressed him closer. His lips parted and I could feel his tongue entering my mouth and he moaned.

"FUCK" I sat up and stared wildly around myself. God it felt so real, so real I was hard as a rock and so dizzy I just did not understand where I was or what I just had done.  
"What the hell" I heard a mumbling from the other side of the room.  
"God, I had such a vivid dream about Spock" I talked before I could remember that in the real world me and Hikaru weren't friends and did not talk at all.  
"About Daniel?" I heard Hikaru moved in his bed. I was surprised that he actually asked the question, he could just as likely ignored me and fall back to sleep. Maybe he was too tired to remember who he was talking to. I decided to tell him the truth, I could not see any harm in it, either he would think I was mean and trying to pull a prank on Spock or he would believe me. It was not possible for him to dislike me more, so it did not really matter.  
"I dreamed he was in this room and that we kissed, and then he moaned and I thought I was going to burst"

Hikaru was silent for a very long time, then I heard him get out of his bed and come over to me. He was wearing a gray t-shirt and boxers and his hair was standing up in a sleepy mess. He looked unsure what to do, but then he sat down on my bed beside me.  
"Why are you saying this James?"  
"Because it is the truth, He is in my thoughts in the day and in my dreams at night"  
I pulled myself up so I was sitting in the bed, resting my head on the wall behind me. I could see that Hikaru did not believe me, but he didn't understand why I suddenly had started talking about Spock. Even though Hikaru disliked me as much as anyone could do he had never heard me being mean to anyone. I don't think he have heard me saying much at all. Once I had been charming, funny, the guy people liked to hang out with, but then I had moved here and now I was nothing. I was more popular than I had ever been before, but I was nothing like the person I wanted to be. Like the person in my dream.

"He has soft lips" Hikaru opened his eyes wide and stared at me. "Have you kissed him?"  
I laughed and shook my head "In my dreams"  
He was biting his lip and looking away. Unsure what to say and how to react.  
"I am nothing like them, I don't hate gays like you think I do. I have been in love with Spock, I mean Daniel, since the first time I saw him and I don't even know if he is gay or not. I am pathetic"  
"He is" Hikaru looked back at me and added "But he hates you"

I nodded and tried to not feel the pain that grew inside of me. I knew that he hated me, everybody did, but it still hurt when you hear it like that.  
"I don't know what to do" I felt like I was close to start crying and for some reason I just did not care. Nothing mattered. Hikaru looked in to my eyes and I got flashes from the dream. How he would joke, smile, laugh. How he use to listen to my suggestions and respecting my opinions.  
My eyes watered up and tears started to slowly fall down my cheek. Hikaru looked chocked.  
"I'm not the one you think I am"  
He stood up and shook his head. "I'm sorry, James. I have to think about this"  
He went back to his bed and left me alone, crying myself to sleep.

I woke up around 8 and saw Hikaru sitting on his bed getting dressed.

"Can I eat breakfast with you" I felt kind of pathetic for asking something like that, but I didn't plan to follow him around without his permission. Hikaru was hesitant but agreed after a short while. I got dressed as fast as I could. Pulled on a black t-shirt and black ripped up jeans.  
"Pavel is waiting for me" Hikaru said walking out of our dorm room.  
"No problem, I like Chekov, I mean Pavel, sorry"  
I gave him my biggest loopside smile and to my surprise Sulu smiled back.  
"You can call us by our last name you know." he said with a little laugh. "It seems to be more natural for you"  
"Well thank you Mr Sulu" I joked and he started to laugh even more.

I felt good.

We stopped outside what I guessed was Chekovs room, the door flung open just as Sulu knocked at it. Chekov had a big smile on his lips but when he saw me it vanished.  
"It's ok, he is eating with us" Pavel opened his eyes wide because of Sulus words but nodded.  
Sulu and Chekov was holding hands when we walked out of the dorm and went for the cafeteria. I felt sad and wished that I had Daniel next to me and his hand in mine. Before I could finished the thought I saw him a little further away. He was also going to the cafeteria for breakfast. Spock always walked with the grace of a feline, I had never seen anyone walk like that before but it was so beautiful that it hurt my heart. His back was a bit hunched with the shoulders drawn together.  
I stopped and the boys looked surprised at me, but Sulu followed my eyes and saw Spock.

"Hey, Daniel, wait up" I stared wildly at Sulu, tried to make him shut up but he just smirked at me. Spock turned around and waited for us, his eyes locked with mine and I could see that he was chocked to see me. I tried to give him the smile, but I was too shaken to be able to do it convincing. He did not smile back but I did not expect him to do it since he never smiled.

We took our breakfast and sat down close to the wall. I could feel the stares in my back. I knew this was not going to be good, soon the ignoring would be over and the hate would be lashed on me and everything I did now was only making it worse.  
Spock was sitting next to me since the boys wanted to sit beside each other and he was so close that I could smell his fresh sent. He had showered and his hair was still damp. His hand was laying at the table and I was starring at it. Long, slim fingers with the bones visible underneath.

"Eh, James you maybe should.." I flung my head up and stared at Sulu.  
I felt that my mouth was open so I snapped it shut. Oh my god, I had my mouth open when I stared at Spock, how obvious could I be. I just hoped that I wasn't drooling also.  
"Call me Jim, please" I said smiling.  
Both Sulu and Chekov seemed surprised by that but nodded. Spock did nothing, just kept eating. I knew that Theresa had said to everybody that I was being called James and nothing else. She did not like nicknames and thought that Jim was too childish.  
"Sure thing Jim" Sulu smiled that sweet smile from my dream and for the first time in a long time it felt that I actually was going somewhere good.

The weeks slowly went by and Chekov and Sulu both started to trust me more. They stopped waiting for me to turn on them and they talked to me like we were friends. Spock on the other hand never spoke to me. He didn't avoid me but it was close.  
The old gang, now down to 6 people after I left, showed their hate for me very clearly. Every day they yelled at me, called me names and twice I got beaten. They ruled the school with a iron hand and that hand was painful.  
I talked and met Bones a couple of times a week and it felt good to talk to a friend. Even though Chekov and Sulu also were my friends now they wanted time alone, which I off course understood. I wanted to be alone with Spock too, but that was never going to happen.

Me, Chekov, Sulu and Spock were sitting at our normal table when I heard the icy voice of my ex girlfriend behind me.  
"ahh Look how cute, you fucking gay losers"  
"It must feel hard" Sulu said looking up at her "to know that you suck so bad in bed that your boyfriend turn gay"  
I started to laugh so hard that I got pain in my stomach, I heard other kids from the other tables also laughing at Theresa and that was the first time that had ever happened. No one had ever dared to laugh at the queen bitch before. Suddenly Chekov started to sing. "Fuck you, Fuck you very, very much" He had a pleasant voice even though it was hard to hear what he was singing because of his thick accent. But I recognized the song as Fuck you by Lily Allen.  
"'Cause we hate what you do and we hate your whole crew so please don't stay in touch" I sang.  
Then Sulu decided to sing the verse " So you say it's not okay to be gay. Well, I think you're just evil. You're just some racist who can't tie my laces. Your point of view is medieval"  
Me and Chekov fell in to the song and then we laughed so much that we just could not continue. Everybody in the cafeteria applaud and cheered at us. Everybody except the gang off course.

That night I got beaten so hard that I had to go to the hospital. 2 Broken ribs, a broken arm and a concussion. The cops came and asked if I knew how had done it and I told them off course. I wasn't so chicken that I could not tell the truth, I wasn't afraid.  
Bones was sitting beside my bed, shaking his head.  
"Kid, I cant understand why everything always happens to you. Trouble seems to be drawn to you"  
"I think it would be better for you, James, if you stopped to taunt them as you do" I was surprised that Spock was actually talking to me but I smiled at his well pronounced words. "It is illogical to put your self in danger"  
"Illogical??" Bones stared at Spock "Do you rather want him to continue his life being someone he's not? That if anything is illogical"  
"I'm not saying that he should continue on the road he once was on, but he could try to avoid confrontations"  
Bones looked back at me "Jimmy boy, I don't understand what you see in that kid"  
I blushed and tried my best not to look at Spock, I didn't want to see what this information meant to him. Bones had a tendency to be a bit to honest.

The hospital incident got the whole gang expelled from school and the rest of the term went on without a problem. I spent the summer in Hawaii where my parents where stationed. I talked every day with Sulu, Chekov and Bones but I heard nothing from Spock. I missed him and I dreamed more about him than about the Star Ship.

My last year in high school started quite well, I had friends and no one was messing with me. There was only one that seemed to dislike me just as much as always and that was off course Daniel Spock. I did not understand why he never wanted to listen to my apologies or why he still seemed to avoid me as much as possible.

I came out of the shower, wrapping a towel around my waist and put rammstein on my ipod. Chekov and Sulu was out on a date and would not be home until late so I slowly danced out of the bathroom moving my body to the heavy beet. I saw a figure standing in the dark room and I froze right infront of him. I raised my hands to turn off the music but he shook his head at me. I was chocked and did not know what to do. I did not understand what he was doing in my room and why. He took two steps closer to me so he stood just in front of me. So close that I could feel his warm breath on my face.

"Why?" I whispered. I could not hear my own voice over the music in my head. And I could not hear his words but I could read his lips."Because I love you" Then his lips were pressed against mine.

I woke up the next morning with a heavy weight on my chest. I opened my eyes and saw black messy hair and a peaceful sleeping face. I ran my fingers through his hair and touched his face. We had talked between kisses and caresses. Spock told me that he had problems trusting me, but that he finally decided to just jump right in to it.

Strange thing was, I never dreamed that I was a starship captain ever again.


End file.
